after listening to the lecture on choosing our 3rd year specialization, i kind of woke up.
seeing how everyone had their direction made me feel damn frustrated.
i have no idea on what i want and whether I'm capable of getting a diploma.

start of night class was also ok.
after talking about the sacp project, i felt super stupid.
i had no idea how the database was going to work and seriously time is running out.
with the laptop crashed and the desktop not able to download visual basic, it's stressing me out.
5 attempts to download visual basic and i cannot get the program installed.

i seriously don't know what else to do except for heading to school tomorrow and pray there are empty labs for me to use.

i broke down for so many reasons i can't explain myself really.
i felt no sense of direction.
i felt i let my group down.
i felt damn stupid for being such a slow learner.
i felt like a burden to everyone.

i took double buses home cause i needed more time to calm down.
i needed to make sure i was in a right state of mind before heading home and pretending everything was alright.
the extra 15 minutes was vital for me to think things on the positive side like i always do but i guess this time, even that extra 15 minutes didn't help much. got onto the second bus and i thought about it all over again.

coming home, i sat on my desktop hoping the installation would work so that i can continue with my programming but to no avail.
i really need to calm down and not panic. i kept telling myself not to cry.
'don't spoil my image' just like what i would normally say but today, i just can't.
controlling just ain't gonna help this time.

i have until next Wednesday to choose my specialization and i really don't know how to choose.
seeing those people in the night class choosing their specialization, i really felt damn lost.
its like I'm not from the same league as them.

pouring all these out made me feel better.much better in fact.
after the strike of 1am, im gonna go back to being the normal/usual person.
forget everything that happened today and not to breakdown again.
i swear.